Death Anniversaries

Losing a loved one is something most people have to come to terms with at some point during their life. As traumatic and saddening as death may be, these feelings can often reoccur long after what we traditionally view as the grieving process.

Whether it’s a first anniversary or a 30th, a death anniversary is no doubt a hard reminder of our loss and can bring up a whole host of emotions, even ones we thought we perhaps would not feel as acutely over time.

Death anniversaries can be a scary and overwhelming time for those experiencing them, and even if they do not outwardly express such, they may require support and extra communication.

For a friend, relative, or loved one who is facing a death anniversary, it can be hard to know what the right thing to say is, especially if we are not comfortable discussing death or struggle with acknowledging the loss.

Whilst some people want to be left alone, it is also nice to have one’s feelings acknowledged. If you know you have a death anniversary coming around the corner, perhaps let a friend or someone close to you know that you may require a little support, even if you currently don’t feel that you would.

If you are trying to support someone else who has an upcoming death anniversary, a kind word or even just an acknowledgment can mean the world when you are faced with a wave of grief.

Here, we have collated a few ideas for what you can do for yourself to navigate a memorial anniversary of a loved one, or how best you can show your support to someone in your life who may be struggling with an upcoming death anniversary.

What Do You Say For A Death Anniversary?

There are as many nuanced and special ways to remember people, as there are individuals in the world! It can be hard to navigate this difficult time, and everyone has their own special rituals and considerations when deciding how best to commemorate this sort of occasion.

It can be a difficult time to find the right words to say, but letting someone know you are thinking of them can mean the world, and show them that they are not alone during this time.

If you are experiencing an upcoming death anniversary it may be a good idea to think about how you want to mark the occasion, if at all, and know that there is no right or wrong way to deal with grief.

How Do You Acknowledge The Anniversary Of A Death?

Though a death anniversary can be difficult and unsettling, it can be a time to reflect on life and loss. With even a small phrase or well wish, you can let someone know that you are thinking of them.

This in itself can make someone feel less alone, and even the smallest of gestures can have a big impact, especially if someone is dealing with complex emotions.

There is no specific prescribed way to deal with death, and every person may want to observe a day of remembrance differently.

If you are struggling with things to say or feel awkward in the face of death, as many of us do, we have a small list of helpful ideas for you to help someone observe a death anniversary.

Starting The Conversation

It may seem difficult, but sometimes the best thing you can do is allow whoever is grieving the opportunity to talk, and for them to know that you are a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen to anything that may be on their minds during this time.

• Start your message simply– a simple ‘thinking of you during this time,’ can go a long way and is a way of letting them know that they are on your mind.
• Don’t shy away from the person’s name– a lot of the time, people want to remember their loved one, and using their name opens up the conversation.
• Share a memory you have of that person– if you knew them, let someone know what they meant to you and try to share those memories with others.
• Ask questions– What is a positive memory of ‘name’? What were they like?
• Let them know you care– sometimes, people have too much on their plate to handle a ‘let me know if you need anything’ comment, they probably do need something so from the offset, mention something you can provide for them. Make plans to reminisce, set a date to come over, or let them know you are free to talk whenever they are feeling like it.

Let whoever is grieving lead the way- some people want personal time to reflect and meditate on loss by themselves.

However, simple good wishes or letting someone know you are there for them is a great way to provide support. Many others may need you to step up and be there for them, so read their signs and be ready to provide support if needed.

Tribute Ideas

Every single person has their own hobbies and interests, and it’s always a lovely touch to personalize a death anniversary to reflect this. There are so many ways we can commemorate the life of a loved one, and a death anniversary can be a time to celebrate life and channel powerful emotions to a good cause and positive outcome.

Here are a few ideas of what you can do to pay tribute to someone who is experiencing a death anniversary, or how you can mark the occasion yourself.

• Send a card expressing sympathy– even if you are not particularly close, a kindly-worded and thoughtful card can make a big difference. Some people may assume that a sympathy or loss card is only applicable to a recent death, but as anyone who has lost someone will attest, the grief period doesn’t just disappear out of the blue. Sending a note of sympathy will be appreciated during a hard time, and a handwritten note can make it more personal and heartfelt. (Below are some examples of poems, quotes, and prayers to use if you are at a loss for words.)
• Make a point of calling on the day– make it known that you are there to chat. By taking the time to call and reminisce, you are opening up the space to remember the good times and let a grieving friend lighten the load. Make sure your call has the sole purpose of re-living a good memory and taking time to recall enjoyable past events with them.
• Send a photo or video– if you have any memory or photo of the deceased on your phone, send over a picture to let someone know that they are on your mind. It is a fast and easy way to let someone know you are thinking about them and the person who has passed on this day.
• Photo Albums– carve out some time to look through old photo albums with a grieving friend and spark off old memories to get them talking. It can be a great time to laugh about the good old days and bring some brightness into an overwhelming and sad day. If you did not know the person who has passed, ask questions and let the grieving party tell you about them.
• Guestbook or virtual memorials– if there was a digital site remembering a loved one or an online funeral guest book, it is most likely still up. A simple way of showing you care could be logging on and leaving a small note commemorating this difficult time. Others who visit will also see your condolences which may lead to bigger conversations and opportunities to share memories or a few laughs.
• Visit an important place– if the deceased had a favorite bench, park location, or even a favorite restaurant, make a plan to visit with your family or friends who are experiencing grief. By making a day of it and marking the occasion, you are opening up a space to honor the deceased and do something that brings back memories.
• Visiting a gravesite or placing flowers on a memorial– if you are visiting a gravesite or memorial ground, perhaps take some fresh flowers with you to lay at their side. If you knew them well, perhaps you could bring their favorite flower. Many people do this as a part of the yearly commemorations and is a good way of celebrating the ritual.
• Donating to an important cause– this could be as varied as the person you have lost is! Perhaps there is a cause you know was close to their hearts. Or, a charity that supports others that may have been experiencing the same hardships as they did. Whatever the cause, many find solace in setting up a fundraiser as a way of honoring someone’s life or their interests. Share this on social media or at work to gain traction and this positive energy can be a great benefit on a hard death anniversary.
• Spend time volunteering at a personal cause– sometimes, the best way to channel grief is by doing something positive and life-affirming. His can be as small as organizing a beach clean-up or helping out with a community project big or small with friends and family. Even better if it is something related to the person who has been lost, perhaps a cause close to their hearts.
• Plant a tree– planting something new and alive can be a wonderful way to pay tribute to someone who has died and is a positive way to honor someone’s memory on a death anniversary.
• Join in on a creative task or activity– this is especially good if a younger person is experiencing a death anniversary. Doing a creative task like painting, joining in on a bible study, or reading a treasured book together can be a wonderful way of sharing memories and taking part in a death anniversary.

Death Anniversaries And Social Media

Everyone uses social media differently, and death anniversaries are no exception. If you find solace in sharing a death anniversary on social media, it can be a nice way of gently reminding those around you that you may need some extra support today.

If you did not know the person who has passed, perhaps posting on social media is not the way to go, rather leave a comment on a grieving person’s post, or perhaps drop them a private message. It is not necessarily something that people may want to share, so leave that space open for them if they choose to share.

If you do want to write a small post about a death anniversary in your life, here is a basic template if you are struggling to find the right words to say.

• Start off with a good wish or greeting ‘ Thinking of you today, Emily’. You can choose whether you would like your message to be directed at the person you have lost, or as a memorial, such as ‘Remembering Emily today’.
• Add a personal note or fond memory: ‘you were the star baker in our family,’ ‘you knew when to make me laugh when no one else could.’
• Catch up on recent events- sometimes it can be nice to talk to those we’ve lost and a simple ‘the puppy has gotten so big now’ or ‘you’d have loved our new house,’ is a nice way to speak to your loved one.
• Close off your message. ‘See you on the other side,’ ‘missing you today,’ ‘Thinking of her always’.

How Would You Have Liked To Be Treated?

If you yourself have experienced a death anniversary, what would you have liked other people to have done for you?

Of course, everyone is different but it can be interesting to think about what you wish others had done for you during this time. Perhaps you didn’t have the mental space or time to cook, and a homemade meal would have gone a long way?

Or maybe someone asking you to share memories and feelings would have been good? Try to show up to those around you if you feel there was something you could have done with when going through a death anniversary.

Or perhaps there was something you found really positive and helpful that someone did- pay it forward and share this moment with someone who may be struggling to cope today.

Death Anniversary Quotes

Below is a small list of quotes that may resonate with you or someone who is experiencing a death anniversary.

• “Good men must die, but death cannot kill their names” – Proverbs
• “Death is never an end, but a To Be Continued…” – Renée Chae
• “The life of the dead is placed in the heart of the living” – Cicero
• “Although it’s difficult today to see beyond the sorrow, May looking back in memory help comfort you tomorrow” – Anonymous
• “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard” – A.A. Milne
• “To live in the hearts of those we love is never to die” – Thomas Campbell

Death Anniversary Poems

Sometimes, it can be hard to find the right words to express how we feel, perhaps taking some inspiration from the great poets when remembering loved ones.

• Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep by Mary Elizabeth Frye– a poem that reminds us of the presence of those we love in nature
• Turn Again To Life by Mary Lee Hall– famously read at Princess Diana’s funeral, this poem urges the listener to embrace life rather than dwelling in death.
• If I Should Go Tomorrow – Anonymous- a poem about letting go and how true love never dies.

Death Anniversary Prayers

If you are religious, or the grieving person finds comfort in religious prayer, consider sending them a prayer to remind them you are thinking of them during this difficult time. If you are not religious, perhaps you could send a poem or thoughts to them instead, but let anyone who finds comfort in prayer embrace that as we all have the right to deal with death in our way.

• Catholic prayer for the dead-“O Lord, the God of mercies. Grant unto the souls of thy servants the anniversary day of whose burial we are keeping a place of solace, of peaceful rest, and glorious light. Through Christ our Lord, Amen.”
• Anglican prayer for Christ’s love– “Almighty and eternal God, from whose love in Christ we cannot be parted, either by death or life- hear our eternal prayers and thanksgivings for all those that we remember this day; fulfill in them the purpose of your love; and bring us all, to your eternal joy. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.”
• Buddhist prayer for the deceased– The Buddha said ‘life is a journey, death is a return to earth. The passing years are like dust. Regarding this phantom world just as a star at dawn, like a bubble in a stream, a flash of lightning in a summer cloud, a flickering lamp -a phantom, and a dream.’

Death Anniversary Gift Ideas

A small token can be a lovely way of sharing memories of a loved one or to show solidarity and kindness to someone experiencing a death anniversary.

Below is a short, and by no means exhaustive, list of potential gift ideas to show you care.

• A home-cooked meal or favorite food from a restaurant- sometimes, just a gesture to keep someone well fed can be the kindest thing to give. When people are struggling, a lot find they do not make the time to prepare food or do basic tasks if their mind is otherwise occupied. A lovely meal can give someone a break and let them focus on other things today.
• A teddy or toy– a lot of the time, grief can transport us back to vulnerable places. A cuddly toy or thoughtful bear can give us a physical way to express our sorrow and can be a lovely reminder.
• A framed photograph– a beautiful or silly picture of a loved one can be a great way to start a conversation about grief and share in the good times.
• Flowers– different flowers can symbolize different things, but memorial flowers can be anything from classic Calla Lilies to a loved one’s favorite blooms.

Things To Avoid On A Death Anniversary

Of course, this list is purely there as a guide and it all depends on your relationship to whoever is experiencing a death anniversary, and whether or not you too knew the deceased. But, as a rule of thumb, make a note of these things to avoid as even if well-intentioned they can be misinterpreted.

• Asking about unnecessary details– when remembering a loved one, people want to remember their life and happy memories, so there’s no need to bring up awkward questions about how someone died unless they want to talk about it. Don’t bring up unnecessary unpleasant topics such as wills, life insurance, or money as this can often be misconstrued even if it is merely out of curiosity.
• Avoiding conversation altogether– even if someone only briefly mentions a death anniversary, that is your invitation to share memories and not disregard their feelings. Even if you are unsure of what to say, acknowledging someone’s grief can be a powerful antidote to the unknown and serve as a balm to a deep wound.
• Joking inappropriately– many people turn to humor to lighten a serious conversation, especially if the topic of death is concerned. It may lighten the load for yourself, but an inappropriately timed joke can be taken the wrong way when the death of a loved one is concerned and is best avoided on this day.
• Turning the focus to yourself– when you are struggling to find common ground, it can be natural to try and divert the conversation to yourself in an act of sympathy. Whilst you may mean well, try not to focus the conversation on yourself or your experiences- even if you have lost a loved one too, try not to compare your grief. Hold space for your friend to talk about their grief and feelings.

Final Thoughts

Death is a tricky topic that can be hard to navigate, but be sure that even a simple word or meaningful gesture can go a long way when someone is dealing with a death anniversary. Remember that you may make mistakes, but speaking up and acknowledging what someone may be dealing with can really help ease the feeling of isolation and loneliness.

A simple ‘thinking of you at this time’ is a welcome gesture that can mean the world when other words and actions fail.

We hope these suggestions have given you a few ideas of how to support someone dealing with a death anniversary, and if you are dealing with your upcoming death anniversary, we hope you feel like you can reach out and let someone know that you may need some support through this time.